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Those feelings are completely natural I'm sure.

As others suggested, even if he doesn't want counselling it would be good for you to have some for yourself.
Be gentle on yourself, you have a lot going on.
You did nothing wrong. Sitting down and having a talk with your H is good, but remember, you did nothing wrong.
If your marriage is to survive you both need to want it.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.

I'm all over the place. We are hoping to talk this weekend and I've started the search for a counsellor. Like suggested I'm going to write some things down as I get tongue tied and I'm afraid of not getting answers or derailed. I'm swinging from feeling stupid to disrespected to wanting to save the marriage .

How are you doing today OP?

I’d have my questions I want answered written down. So you keep referring to them, it’s easy to get derailed. My exH would be good at turning questions round and not giving a straight answer on anything. Arrange a neutral place or make sure the kids are gone elsewhere, it’s so hard living in limbo.


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I would set aside a time to talk. Or actually, for you to ask questions which he needs to answer.
Does he want to save the marriage?
If so, will he agree to work on it, agree to counselling?
You can ask aboit the woman but I wouldn't expect him to be 100% honest, and you have to decide once he wconfirms whether or not its now finished, if you can get over that and forgive it.

Thank you all for taking time to reply. Lots of wise words and lots to think about.

Sounds like he has checked out already and is already embarking on an emotional affair
Sounds like he is waiting for you to agree with his feelings to not make him look like a bad guy
I am sorry you are going through this but it sounds like he is not that interested in making it work now
take care

I agree with the others. He really should be making an honest effort to fight for the marriage and get things back on track. If only for the kids. My friend's DH has checked out of their marriage (mentally and literally) and the kids are so upset. Whatever about the spouse*, I can't comprehend not making every possible effort to spare putting kids through that - unless every other avenue had been exhausted.

*ETA I don't mean that to sound harsh. I am really sorry for what you are going through. I just meant that romantic relationships can take stumbles or break, but I don't know how anyone can just attempt to feck off from their kids without a backward glance.

Go to counselling.
Both of you together and go by yourself also.
Ask him to give it a try and that if it doesn’t work then at least it will help with the split so that you are both on the same page with the children. I would insist he goes to counselling with you and I would book it today.

Get help. Good luck.

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If he won’t go to marriage counselling it’s very telling. Ask him again and he refuses then take time to plan your next steps. I would really recommend individual counselling- it helps to formulate your plans and thoughts. Good luck.

I agree with Tinky. You've said you want to fight for the marriage, he's not sure. Tell him you want to fight for it and go to counselling etc. to see if you can get through this. If he refuses then unfortunately he's not interested in staying.

Even if himself and his colleague are really good friends (and I had 2 very close male friends in one work place), what they are texting sounds 'off'.

As another poster said get your financial ducks in a row and then whatever happens you are prepared for that bit.

so sorry to hear this. we all know how easy it can be to fall into the rut of life and every day is groundhog day.
i agree that you should at least try councelling if not to repair your marriage but at least for both of you to get it all off your chest, this room is usually safe space to lay your cards on the table. it would be awful to give up without a fight so to speak.
Maybe you just need to remind yourselves why you fell in love, actually spend some time with each other without the kids/house etc
and i know you feel your trust may be broken but sometimes talking to someone who is away from the situation and doesnt know your other half may make it easier to talk . Im not saying it was right for him to talk to this other lady but maybe she isnt a threat at all. i have a couple of male friends at work that i would confide in over female ones, so just dont let that be a reason iykwim.
best of luck and also agree with nodrog as this is usually where the biggest arguments land

I'm so sorry to read this. How difficult for you. It must be so hard. No matter what, you WILL get through this.
I'm afraid to say that when I read your message first and read he was not prepared to do anything, not even chat to a friend, I thought immediately was there something on the scene for him.
I too would find that emotional betrayal hard to take. It's not right or respectful to you.
If I were you I would suggest one last chance to ask him his intentions and if he is prepared to work on your marriage and go to counselling, because it would take a lot of work for me to get over such a betrayal (and I think you need to assess whether such work would be worth it). If he's not interested I'm afraid that's your answer. You have given it your all then and you can't say you didn't try everything. If it is a no I would encourage you to draw boundaries around him (not being available as an emotional punchbag or the fall back). Edited to say I'd also put a deadline on his answer because I can see him dragging on the situation and I have seen this so many times (including personally).
You owe it to yourself and your family not to be living this kind of half life.
Also you really need to chat to someone in real life. Pick up the phone and chat with someone today.

I think if you ask him to go to counselling as your marriage, kids and life you’ve built together is owed that chance and he isn’t keen, hesitates, puts it off.. you have your answer as to where his head is at.

I think you are owed more than him not talking to you about what is going on whilst he sorts his head out or whatever he’s doing.

Sorry you are going through this.


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