heymammy.com

The more this thread goes on the less it is about whether the child is gay or straight and more about unreasonable control and a parent who is struggling to accept that their child is a separate being.

A parent can't control a child's sexual orientation any more than the child can (or the peer group).

A parent needs to understand the boundaries that a teen has around their body. This does not include policing whether a teen shaves their armpits or not.

A parent has to come to terms with their child growing up and away from them. A key part of adolescence is separation from parents and it is essential to healthy development. Every child has to separate from their parents. To not want that for your child is to fail at the crux of parenting: it is to raise children to be independent adults. That's it. Full stop. A parent has to accept wholeheartedly that their child will establish relationships away from their parent which will become the central relationships in their lives. A parent should not be the central figure in their child's adult life. Important, yes. Unique, yes. But central, no.

Whether this is a wind-up or genuine is neither here nor there in some senses. There's not really much to stir up so unless you get off on wasting people's time then there's not much point. There are of course parents who struggle with coming to terms with their child's sexual orientation and/or with their developing sexuality. (There's a whole other conversation to be had about how we as as society respond to emerging sexuality as distinct from sexual orientation). There are of course parents who find it easier or harder to navigate the teen years and particularly the relinquishing of control and centrality of the parental role which existed in childhood.

OP, if you're genuine and struggling with the issues outlined it may be worth talking to someone to try and work out why you feel so conflicted by your child growing up. Maybe a service like ParentLine would be able to help, or maybe someone you could work with on an on-going basis. Or maybe just reflecting on the comments here will be enough. Whatever it takes you need to come to terms with your child growing up and away from you. If you try to control her in some of the ways you are alluding to you run the risk of damaging the relationship you have enjoyed to date. It is a tightrope that we walk between protecting and freeing our teens. It isn't easy but they need to be able to walk their own tightropes too. That's the whole point.

Yeah you could be right lucanlily.

Posher wrote: ↑Sun Jun 13, 2021 12:01 am

lucanlily wrote: ↑Sat Jun 12, 2021 7:29 pm I think this thread is a wind up. Do people actually think like this in 2021?

Wake up and smell the roses. Yes absolutely there are people who think like this in 2021. I'm not saying this particular thread isn't a wind up but to suggest there aren't people out there that think like this is fairly naive to be frank.

Yeah there might be people who think like this but would they post their views on a forum like this? Really? She's stirring it up.

Total wind-up. A 14 year old isn’t interested in shaving her arm pits? Call the cops for fear body hair might be seen on a young teenager. Honestly what a load of shite

Even if she does go “into a box” there is no rule saying anyone has to stay in the same box forever. Let her be her, that’s all she needs from you.
Do you have any non-hetro friends? I’m sure they could help put your mind at ease. You are worrying about something that isn’t even a thing.

lucanlily wrote: ↑Sat Jun 12, 2021 7:29 pm I think this thread is a wind up. Do people actually think like this in 2021?

Wake up and smell the roses. Yes absolutely there are people who think like this in 2021. I'm not saying this particular thread isn't a wind up but to suggest there aren't people out there that think like this is fairly naive to be frank.

Worried mum wrote: ↑Sat Jun 12, 2021 8:42 pm Thanks all. I can assure you its not a wind up, i as a mum like the rest of us is generally struggling with it all.

I just feel she is very influenced and easily led and im worried about her been influenced by something that she isnt or putting herself in the wrong box but do i just stand back and let her figure it all out.

She is just very immature though too. She got money at the weekend and all she wanted was to buy a build a bear but yet she is trying to work through all these options. Teenage years are definitely difficult to parent.

You can't be influenced. You know yourself if you're gay or not. It may be confusing for her but to me it sounds like you're the one with the issue. You need to relax and just listen to your dd and say nothing. No judgement, no questions. Teenage years are difficult but this is where they need to be heard, to be listened to and not dismissed. If you don't listen to her and take her seriously then you will loose her trust. If you have a problem with her being gay then you need to work it out. If you don't you will loose your daughter.

What has build a bear got anything to do it with. I have a 17 and 14 year old and they both love build a bear.

OP noone can be influenced when it comes to sexuality. While maybe people might try different things they will arrive at the point where they know who they are and what they like. You will not influence her to be straight anymore than a leaflet, wearing certain clothes, shaving or not shaving, listening to certain music, watching tv will make her gay, bisexual or trans. While she may be experiencing confusion you need to be her steady ship. You need to be unflappable. She needs to know that her family love and accept her whether gay, straight or pink with purple spots. Being straight as a previous poster said is not a recipe for later happiness or success than being gay. I know very happy, successful positive gay people and equally unhappy unsuccessful straight people. Accepting yourself and having loving and supportive people around you makes a big difference to how you view the world and how people interact with you.

OP I think you need to work on yourself & just relax a little. Your DD is 14. If you're DD is gay, straight or whatever else then that is who she is. Why would you want her to be something she isn't? The only place that will lead to is a unhappy person who feels unaccepted by her own mother.

No idea if it's a wind-up. But assuming it's not - your relationship with your daughter will change as she gets older and enters relationships, whether they are with men or women. Unless you plan to keep her at home and never allow her to date or marry, you will have to accept that other people will enter her life and her focus will shift from you. You will always be her mother and you will always have a special place in her life, but it probably won't be front & centre to the extent it is now. That is just life.

Rita wrote: ↑Sat Jun 12, 2021 8:57 pm Its hard when your child is growing up and your relationship changes..as they do. But different isn't worse...it can even be better.
I am a bit confused though.. you don't want her meeting up with a group of girls in case she ' becomes' gay? Isnt it just normal teen behaviour..regardless of sexuality..to hang out with friends.

As for not shaving her armpits maybe she just dislikes it and thinks why should she? It might be one thing she can control right now .

Definitely a wind up

Its hard when your child is growing up and your relationship changes..as they do. But different isn't worse...it can even be better.
I am a bit confused though.. you don't want her meeting up with a group of girls in case she ' becomes' gay? Isnt it just normal teen behaviour..regardless of sexuality..to hang out with friends.

As for not shaving her armpits maybe she just dislikes it and thinks why should she? It might be one thing she can control right now .

Thanks all. I can assure you its not a wind up, i as a mum like the rest of us is generally struggling with it all.

I just feel she is very influenced and easily led and im worried about her been influenced by something that she isnt or putting herself in the wrong box but do i just stand back and let her figure it all out.

She is just very immature though too. She got money at the weekend and all she wanted was to buy a build a bear but yet she is trying to work through all these options. Teenage years are definitely difficult to parent.

Your relationship is going to change anyway as she grows up. She will be making her own life independently of yours whether she is gay or straight.
You can't keep her as a child who depends on you and allows you to decide what she can do. And if you try, you will lose her anyway. And if you can't accept her sexuality, you will lose her.
Do you see the common thread here? Your daughter is her own person and if you can't love and accept her as that person, then you will lose that special relationship.
Just let her live her own life and accept and love her.

Worried mum wrote:

kahlan wrote: ↑Sat Jun 12, 2021 6:22 pm Worried mum, you can’t be ‘influenced’ into being gay. You either are or are not or whatever in between. I hear that you are worried for your child, but whatever her eventual decision about her orientation, your only role is to love and accept and support her, regardless of your own feelings. If your own feelings are going to negatively impact your ability to love and support and accept your daughter then you have to go and deal with those. There’s nothing wrong with your child. She may be confused or working out her own orientation, like lots of teens do, and if she can’t rely on you, that’s what will cause her problems, not her friends, social media, leaflets from school etc. Any child who can openly speak with loving and accepting parents has a good chance of working out their teen challenges. For what it’s worth, my own parents (conservative, rural, catholic and in their 70’s) celebrated my sister’s wedding to her lovely wife 5 years ago, the same as any other wedding we have had in the family. They may have private thoughts about their daughter being gay, but they remain private and they have never shown her and her wife the greatest of love and respect, as they should. That’s the job of being a parent. Best of luck.

Can i ask would your sister still have a very close mothee daughter relationship, as im so close to my dd she will message me from school or if shes out with updates etc and i think that is something that im worried for some reason would change if she was gay if she had another close female in her life our mother daughter relationship wouldn't be the same

If you continue to push her to be someone you want her to be then it will affect your relationship.


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