heymammy.com

You are very brave, honest and strong. Well done to you. I hope you continue to grow in health and happiness.

I'm sorry you are still going through this, but as others have pointed out, her treatment of your sister indicates it's a her problem. I hope things improve but as you say yourself, you can't change it. Live your life and someday she may reach out but if not celebrate all your positives.

How brave and honest you are. I’m happy for you that you’re in a better place but sad that your relationship with your daughter hasn’t improved. Her treatment of your sister speaks volumes imo.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

wow, what a tough post that must have been to write. Well done to you for being so honest and turning things around in relation to your drinking.

It is a pity your eldest girl still hasn't come around, but in some ways her poor treatment of your sister proves that the issue isn't anything you have done.

Keep focusing on yourself, your DD2 and DH.

Sad mum, I am so very sorry that nothing has been resolved with your daughter. However, I am full of admiration for you for quitting alcohol. You should be so very proud of yourself and proves you are stronger than you think. From what you have said, your daughter doesn't only have an issue with you, your sister too, who has been very good to her. As brutal as it is, you cannot control this. Try to focus on the positives in your life and there seem to be many xx

Apologies, only seeing this now to approve.

Hi all , sadly my situation with my dd hasn’t improved. Was just browsing the boards and thought I’d give an update .
I see the last message in Jan a poster mentioned time being a healer , and it’s very true . It has helped soften things a little .
On a personal level , between January and now , well , sadly I turned to alcohol to try and numb everything, of course we all know that’s putting oil on a fire .
I drank maybe 5 days a week , starting at 11 am and finishing when I was out cold on the sofa .
My other dd often came in from school and found me like this , as did dh . It must have been intolerable for them , but it didn’t stop me . I honestly just wanted to die . Nothing mattered , and the more I drank the more I didn’t want to live . So I drank , would wake , go to bed and repeat . I knew it was hurting sh and dd but I couldn’t be sober . I never craved alcohol , I just wanted to be drunk and not remember the day .
It was absolutely horrific , for all of us . I hid bottles of wine all over the house thinking no one would notice I had terrible rows with dh , I even punched him , and still he stood by me and tried to help while trying to deal with his own sadness of losing contact with our dd .
My youngest dd failed all her summer exams , and still I was in my own little world of self pity and getting drunk . Still no contact with my eldest dd .
She finished college and left my sisters without a thank you or a goodbye .
Her exam results were posted to the house , I kept them for a few weeks , got drunk one day and opened them ( she did very well ) that same day she text me to say she’d call for them , honestly, Murphy law , you couldn’t make it up . I had to tell her I returned them to the college , she sent a terrible abusive text .
I don’t know where she’s living , working etc . I think in our home town because a friend of mine saw her locally one day .
She has ignored all family birthdays , ignored the fact both her elderly grandparents were very ill in hospital.
She text my sis last month to say she’d be staying in October for her graduation, my sister just said , sorry , you’re not welcome to stay .
So , maybe the start of July , I was drinking , it was lunch time and I was alone . I was really at rock bottom . I was scrolling Facebook and came across a hypnotherapy advertisement, for drinking amongst other things . I bought it and as simple as , I haven’t drank since . I promise it’s not an advertisement
So of course not drinking , my depression lifted , my anxiety went . I was able to control my emotions, my beautiful dd and dh did not have to return home from school / work and wonder if I was going to be dead .
Life isn’t perfect now , but I am so much better . I would give my life to see my dd , even a happy text from her . We will all love her until the day we die . Maybe someday soon she will realise that . I have missed out on so much of her life and her ours , but I can’t change it . Hope everyone else is keeping well , and take it from me , don’t ever , ever turn to booze to help a bad situation.

As mothers I can see us all scrambling to have answers for this young woman’s behavior, but maybe she’s just being selfish, immature and down right nasty.
I know they are horrible words but sadly the world is made up of an certain amount of humans who just have a chip on their shoulder.

We also only have one side of the story, a bit like prince Harry could her view of childhood/teenage years be muddied. You don’t know what she’s said to her boyfriend about her family to be honest.

When dealing with my own DD1 wishing to move in with her boyfriend, she came up will all sorts of untrue excuses to get her own way. My girl has lived a charmed life, but if you heard her you’d think she was abused just because we wouldn’t do what she wanted. Thank god we had his parents on our side but it doesn’t always work out that way.

I know it’s no help for the hurt your going though but I would park this now for the sake of your younger daughter and your husband. Time is a great healer, once you keep an open door policy then she can never say you turned your back on her

I’m sorry to read your update, such a pity that things are still not working out between you .
Right now you need to look after yourself, you said you’re still not right , that’s your priority . Is sounds like there’s a lot going on.
Sounds like your dd is hurting/lashing out she will navigate this herself,it’s good your sister said your dd seems fine to her , and it sounds like your dd is doing ok with collage etc , so that’s one thing less to worry about . Are you seeing anyone to help you through all this? I hope that you are , take care

I went back to the start she seems to have outrageous outbursts around not being able to cope with Akward situations or Not being in control
Would this be a fair statement?

Have you sought counselling for yourself, I definitely think this would be good for you and coach you along the way how to manage situations.

For example the cards , I would not have posted them so it made her come visit should she want them .
In her mind ( not excusing her behaviour at all )
Would she have built the whole visit up in her head causing her anxiety and then exploded because that was taken away from her and now she has no excuse to visit . This was her excuse to visit .
I could be way off the mark.

In stead of can we meet , Make it less of a commitment. Hey im around town on friday if your free for coffee around 2 , always in a public place as it keeps things less formal and we can exit easier .

If she comes with a problem dont solve it ot offer to . Just say oh right so what do you think your gonna do .

We are confident from the start that it’s not drugs . I do think the boyfriend has his own issues , and what started out as us speaking to her about lack of respect at home , something that we would have resolved as a family , we feel he did interfere and encouraged her to move out and make it all seem a lot worse Than it is , they did seem very happy together, and they had a nice group of friends . I do believe though that he turned her against us . Thanks everyone for the kind thoughts .

My heart goes out to you sadmum, it’s so hurtful and upsetting having your DD treating you all this way.
I hope you can bit by bit start to take care of you, your DH and other DD. Would you be able to meet with a counsellor - they might be able to support you with coping strategies.
Thinking of you

Putting someone on a pedestal is often an outward sign of an abusive relationship.
If there is really, really nothing that you at "fault" for and this is all following on from her relationship, I would be concerned.

I’d worry that there is some type of coercive control happening in her relationship, her behaviour is very extreme.

Would worry about substance abuse too or a mental illness, she is acting like a total stranger, angry and aggressive to you. I would have concern that mentally something is happening with her. Does your sister have any opinion on her total personality change? I would have concerns for a mental illness.