Was going to go anon

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Re: Was going to go anon

by januaryblossom » Wed Apr 28, 2021 8:33 pm

Bumping up. Relevant to my thread

Re: Was going to go anon

by MonkeyBars » Fri Apr 03, 2020 8:14 am

tea wrote:So me and his dad sat with him and went through a short chat about how it was not how real relationships work, that it is violent against women etc.
He seemed to get it and all the other kids were home so we left it at that for that moment.
I'm glad his dad said it to him as opposed to just me.
I spoke more to him today and we had a good chat about it. He got very upset about it as he knew it was wring and the violence of it upset him. he said he understands me needing to lock down the phone and take measures. He said he would need to make sure not to spend so much time alone as the compulsion to watch it was there even though he knew it wasn't right- and we spoke briefly about addiction.
His dad intends to talk to his older brother who would be a much tougher nut. And I'm praying we don't uncover an iceberg.
I feel like such a moron - that somehow it wouldn't be my kids, and just had my head in the sand.
The one thing I will say about this corona stuff, I am around a lot more (obviously) and in terms of the kids it has been really great as I usually work full time and am home so little.
I can't speak for my own mental health. I admit that I am struggling- not alone with this issue, but more generally, but it's been great for the kids... I hope
Tea no matter what you will get through it and this will be in the past - I’ve been that soldier - look after yourself through this as you need to be there for him.

Re: Was going to go anon

by DiscoGirl » Fri Apr 03, 2020 8:09 am

Lady Madonna wrote:you have absolutely not failed as a parent. The fact that he was able to tell you proves the opposite.
This, mind yourself tea xx

Re: Was going to go anon

by tea » Fri Apr 03, 2020 12:57 am

And I just want to say as well, thank you so much for the support on here when I needed it. I felt really cocooned, to borrow a phrase, by the good ideas, kind words and help that you all gave. Thank you.

Re: Was going to go anon

by Smoke » Fri Apr 03, 2020 12:52 am

Well done. He asked for help and you responded really well.

Re: Was going to go anon

by tea » Fri Apr 03, 2020 12:16 am

So me and his dad sat with him and went through a short chat about how it was not how real relationships work, that it is violent against women etc.
He seemed to get it and all the other kids were home so we left it at that for that moment.
I'm glad his dad said it to him as opposed to just me.
I spoke more to him today and we had a good chat about it. He got very upset about it as he knew it was wring and the violence of it upset him. he said he understands me needing to lock down the phone and take measures. He said he would need to make sure not to spend so much time alone as the compulsion to watch it was there even though he knew it wasn't right- and we spoke briefly about addiction.
His dad intends to talk to his older brother who would be a much tougher nut. And I'm praying we don't uncover an iceberg.
I feel like such a moron - that somehow it wouldn't be my kids, and just had my head in the sand.
The one thing I will say about this corona stuff, I am around a lot more (obviously) and in terms of the kids it has been really great as I usually work full time and am home so little.
I can't speak for my own mental health. I admit that I am struggling- not alone with this issue, but more generally, but it's been great for the kids... I hope

Re: Was going to go anon

by Mrs Ems » Wed Apr 01, 2020 6:05 pm

I can only imagine the feeling you must have had in the pit of your stomach when you read his text. Stuff of nightmares.
But, as everyone else is saying the huge positive out of this is that he told you and that you didn't have to find it out for yourself.
He wants your help, otherwise he wouldn't have told you.
You've got great advise here, and I'm sure you'll figure it out somehow how to support him through this.
Have you checked out the likes of David Coleman who probably has articles written on this. I'll see if I can find anything.
If possible try and stay calm, but of course that's easier said that done, and coming from someone who has not been through it.

How did things progress after you got the text?

Was going to go anon

by EmilyBronte » Wed Apr 01, 2020 5:05 pm

I love that he texted you. I can imagine how embarrassed and nervous he was deciding whether to hit send.
You know now and can deal with it.
Poor little lad. It’s such a hard age really. Growing up and encountering all sorts for the first time.
They really have so much at their fingertips don’t they.

Re: Was going to go anon

by CocoRose » Wed Apr 01, 2020 3:56 pm

That's so hard for you but as others have said, I'd be hoping if any of my boys was discussing this they'd feel able to discuss it. Having a 14 and 11 year old I can see how each child is so different, I didn't really have any discussions about this type of thing with DS1, so far because it really doesn't seem to be topic that needs discussion yet (I know, I should anyway), but I know already I need to be all over it with DS2 he is curious about everything wants to know everything, he's the only child so far who has looked in my diary/bedside drawer, looking at what I have in my handbag, he's just that way and I've already noticed his search history is veering into how to kiss, how to ask a girl out etc. Unfortunately these days it doesn't take much to find yourself on a whole different page to what you searched for,

Re: Was going to go anon

by Phoebe Taylor » Wed Apr 01, 2020 3:27 pm

Lady Madonna wrote:you have absolutely not failed as a parent. The fact that he was able to tell you proves the opposite.
This times 1000.

Sent from my PRA-LX1 using Tapatalk

Re: Was going to go anon

by RDR » Wed Apr 01, 2020 3:25 pm

https://fightthenewdrug.org/adam-savage ... rns-harms/
If your son is a Mythbusters fan this might carry extra weight. But the dad here is dealing with the same scenario as you.

Re: Was going to go anon

by Flux » Wed Apr 01, 2020 3:20 pm

Do not want to trivialise this, but any chance he's playing an April Fool's joke?

Re: Was going to go anon

by Kensington » Wed Apr 01, 2020 3:16 pm

I think you are a fantastic parent - you've reared a son who knew that this stuff isn't right and trusted you enough to tell you. All the advice has been brilliant.

The thing is, these kids have the equivalent of a library of porn at the end of their fingertips. At that age I was so curious about sex that I doubt I'd have been able to resist a look - and then you get sucked in. I suspect an awful lot of young teens are watching some scary stuff. Part of my conversations with ds (now an adult) have been that porn isn't real, it isn't necessarily normal, it can desensitise you to real-life sexual experiences and men and women in real life shouldn't be expected to behave like porn stars.

Re: Was going to go anon

by RDR » Wed Apr 01, 2020 3:07 pm

This isn't you failing as a parent - and how brilliant is it that he felt he could tell you? That speaks volumes about you as a parent. And the fact that he isn't comfortable with what he has been doing/viewing also proves that you've already given him a good compass around this stuff.

There are some good resources out there about dealing with this situation, how to talk to him etc He may currently equate sex with what he has seen but a lot of what you can do is around talking to him about why that is not the case, and why he is better staying away from stuff that presents very abnormal/unusual/unrealistic sexual behaviours. He can absolutely get beyond this.

Re: Was going to go anon

by kahlan » Wed Apr 01, 2020 2:58 pm

Tea, I have been there. Ds1 was about the same age and he told me because he felt so upset with himself for watching it and he felt he needed help to get out of the habit. He found it almost addictive and wanted to stop. But he knew he needed me to take charge for him. It's great that your lad is telling you. Have the chat and put the controls in place for him. My ds is 16 now. No lasting harm that I know of! I feel bad that I was so clueless at the time that he got easy access but lesson learned and boundaries tightened. Talk with your son and check in with him about it over the next while. Unfortunately it's a powerful thing and can draw them back so be careful...there are so many devices they can access it on including xbox etc. Best of luck and remember the positive...he told you first.

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