Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
Both are consenting adults and doing nothing illegal but I have to admit I feel a bit ick about a 20 year age gap (regardless of it being the man/woman that's older).
I wouldn't be happy with my own son being in a relationship with someone 20 years older than them.
I wouldn't be happy with my own son being in a relationship with someone 20 years older than them.
Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
On one hand, dead jealous
But I suppose long term, and guessing you donāt want to have more kids thatās a big decision.
But I suppose long term, and guessing you donāt want to have more kids thatās a big decision.
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Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
Honestly listening to the opinions of my dd and her friends would put me off. They seem to think age gaps are perverted. We often have discussions that get heated about this. I have two sets of friends that are married with 10 year age gaps but they insist this is wrong. Now know I should believe what I think is right myself but that is a common way of thinking now and it would be floating around in my head.
Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
A lot to think about and I suppose nothing that I hadn't considered myself about sacrifices, my children, the ick factor, how I'd feel if it it was my son etc. I think though that I've realised my own immediate concern is work. As I've pondered the replies, while I agree that its none of their business, i think that if we're to continue seeing each other I'm leaning towards the feeling that the right thing to do is declare it to my boss. Obviously he would need to agree to that so I need to let him know where my head is at and see where we go from there.
I feel extremely lucky to have this safe place to come to for advice and I feel like i have a little more clarity in my thoughts than when I posted yesterday so thanks to everyone who's taken the time to reply.
I feel extremely lucky to have this safe place to come to for advice and I feel like i have a little more clarity in my thoughts than when I posted yesterday so thanks to everyone who's taken the time to reply.
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Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
They are not obliged to ādeclareā it at work. How bizarre. Itās none of anyone elseās business. And what conflict of interest? She is not his boss. Or his teacher.Sally wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 2:09 pm Workplace relationships are not necessarily a no-no so long as people are open and declare any possible conflict of interest, especially if there is a power differential which you indicate there is,
Not sure if you have declared it in work, if not and youāve been involved for a while itās time to consider doing so. The difficulties arise when itās āfound outā and it appears to be hidden .
I met DH at work, and my boss knew pretty immediately. But,i did change companies about 6 months later both for career reasons but also to get away from the conflict of interest situation. And that was in a large MNC with about 500 ees at that particular site.
If you and this guy are going to continue with the relationship , and itās a smaller family run business, you might need to start talking about this topic ie will one of you move jobs, or how to discuss it at work.
On the personal side, itās really down to you and your guy what to do. Like others, Iād be very concerned about DS in his 20ās entering long term relationship with a woman in their 40ās, as the topic of kids is a huge one. I think there are very many guys in their 20ās who would say kids donāt matter, but who have/would change their mind in mid/late 30ās or into their 40ās.
I wouldnāt think too much about it if it were not my family, ie just randomers on street or neighbours. But for my own son, I would be concerned.
Thatās all I could be though, concerned. Because at the end of the day, if a guy is mid 20ās, itās his life, he is free to be with who he wants.
Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
I didnāt say she was obliged to declare it.
I have no idea where she works, so I wouldnāt know what the situation is in her place.
But, she indicates in her post that as sheās in a more senior position she anticipates some āfall outā in work, so I suggested she might consider to do so earlier rather than later , rather than waiting for it to be āfound outā, and she would then be on the back foot.
And, it might surprise you, but there are actually workplaces where personal relationships (romantic or familial) might pose conflicts of interest (or even perceptions of conflicts of interest) , and there are workplaces where employees are obliged to formally declare such conflicts. Sometimes on annual basis or if anything changes, eg start new relationship at work.
I work in such an environment.
21 yrs ago when I started dating DH, I wasnāt in the same place and didnāt have to fill such a formal annual declaration.
But, 100%, if it had come out that I had been dating DH secretly for an extended time and hadnāt informed my manager, due to the nature of my role at that time and access to data, it for sure have been an issue.
Itās not as easy in such environments to say āitās no one elseās businessā.
I have no idea where she works, so I wouldnāt know what the situation is in her place.
But, she indicates in her post that as sheās in a more senior position she anticipates some āfall outā in work, so I suggested she might consider to do so earlier rather than later , rather than waiting for it to be āfound outā, and she would then be on the back foot.
And, it might surprise you, but there are actually workplaces where personal relationships (romantic or familial) might pose conflicts of interest (or even perceptions of conflicts of interest) , and there are workplaces where employees are obliged to formally declare such conflicts. Sometimes on annual basis or if anything changes, eg start new relationship at work.
I work in such an environment.
21 yrs ago when I started dating DH, I wasnāt in the same place and didnāt have to fill such a formal annual declaration.
But, 100%, if it had come out that I had been dating DH secretly for an extended time and hadnāt informed my manager, due to the nature of my role at that time and access to data, it for sure have been an issue.
Itās not as easy in such environments to say āitās no one elseās businessā.
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Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
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Donāt patronise me. It might surprise you but Iāve been working for well over three decades in a variety of workplaces and unless youāre someoneās boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.Sally wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 8:00 pm I didnāt say she was obliged to declare it.
I have no idea where she works, so I wouldnāt know what the situation is in her place.
But, she indicates in her post that as sheās in a more senior position she anticipates some āfall outā in work, so I suggested she might consider to do so earlier rather than later , rather than waiting for it to be āfound outā, and she would then be on the back foot.
And, it might surprise you, but there are actually workplaces where personal relationships (romantic or familial) might pose conflicts of interest (or even perceptions of conflicts of interest) , and there are workplaces where employees are obliged to formally declare such conflicts. Sometimes on annual basis or if anything changes, eg start new relationship at work.
I work in such an environment.
21 yrs ago when I started dating DH, I wasnāt in the same place and didnāt have to fill such a formal annual declaration.
But, 100%, if it had come out that I had been dating DH secretly for an extended time and hadnāt informed my manager, due to the nature of my role at that time and access to data, it for sure have been an issue.
Itās not as easy in such environments to say āitās no one elseās businessā.
Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
The kids thing would be the issue that would worry me most as time is running out to have more kids in your forties. But, if you are both happy then go for it. Life is too short!
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Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
Intrigued as to these formal annual declarations by the way. Do you fill one out if you shag Colin from accounts after the Christmas party?Sally wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 8:00 pm I didnāt say she was obliged to declare it.
I have no idea where she works, so I wouldnāt know what the situation is in her place.
But, she indicates in her post that as sheās in a more senior position she anticipates some āfall outā in work, so I suggested she might consider to do so earlier rather than later , rather than waiting for it to be āfound outā, and she would then be on the back foot.
And, it might surprise you, but there are actually workplaces where personal relationships (romantic or familial) might pose conflicts of interest (or even perceptions of conflicts of interest) , and there are workplaces where employees are obliged to formally declare such conflicts. Sometimes on annual basis or if anything changes, eg start new relationship at work.
I work in such an environment.
21 yrs ago when I started dating DH, I wasnāt in the same place and didnāt have to fill such a formal annual declaration.
But, 100%, if it had come out that I had been dating DH secretly for an extended time and hadnāt informed my manager, due to the nature of my role at that time and access to data, it for sure have been an issue.
Itās not as easy in such environments to say āitās no one elseās businessā.
Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
Thatās incorrect, it depends on terms and conditions , and company policy.Cinquecento wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 8:11 pm
Donāt patronise me. It might surprise you but Iāve been working for well over three decades in a variety of workplaces and unless youāre someoneās boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.
Hereās an excerpt from Irish Indo couple years agoā¦ (with my bold).
https://www.independent.ie/business/iri ... 68570.htmlMost Irish companies do not have an explicit rule banning office romances. A prudent employer will have a robust policy dealing with the issue.
It is best practice to require disclosure of relationships where there is a perceived conflict of interest.
This will undoubtedly arise where there is an imbalance of power, perceived favouritism, or where one has influence over the other's promotional opportunities, salary increases, etc.
If you work in such an organisation which is following best practice, then yes there is an obligation on you to declare it.
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Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
No itās not incorrect if you work in the vast majority of workplaces that donāt ask that you disclose who youāre having sex with.Sally wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 8:33 pmThatās incorrect, it depends on terms and conditions , and company policy.Cinquecento wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 8:11 pm
Donāt patronise me. It might surprise you but Iāve been working for well over three decades in a variety of workplaces and unless youāre someoneās boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.
Hereās an excerpt from Irish Indo couple years agoā¦ (with my bold).
https://www.independent.ie/business/iri ... 68570.htmlMost Irish companies do not have an explicit rule banning office romances. A prudent employer will have a robust policy dealing with the issue.
It is best practice to require disclosure of relationships where there is a perceived conflict of interest.
This will undoubtedly arise where there is an imbalance of power, perceived favouritism, or where one has influence over the other's promotional opportunities, salary increases, etc.
If you work in such an organisation which is following best practice, then yes there is an obligation on you to declare it.
Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
You made a broad generalised statement that ā unless youāre someoneās boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.ā.Cinquecento wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 8:36 pmNo itās not incorrect if you work in the vast majority of workplaces that donāt ask that you disclose who youāre having sex with.Sally wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 8:33 pmThatās incorrect, it depends on terms and conditions , and company policy.Cinquecento wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 8:11 pm unless youāre someoneās boss (and even then in a lot of cases) there is absolutely no obligation to disclose your private life.
If you work in such an organisation which is following best practice, then yes there is an obligation on you to declare it.
I said that no, thatās incorrect, it depends on T&C.
You then say that itās correct if you work in a company that doesnāt have such T&Cs
so youāre agreeing with me, so not sure what youāre arguing with ?
I donāt know what environment the poster works in.
It may be in her T&Cs/policy.
She certainly indicates that her workplace will see some issue with it (otherwise, what fallout could there be), and I suggested (simply suggested) that she might like to get ahead of the issue and be open and transparent.
She can take or leave my suggestion, just like she can take or leave any other comment or suggestion on this thread.
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Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
My DD is the same, even a couple of years gap gives her the ick. She was horrified by the "half plus 7" rule. I didnt know it was the general option nowApple wrote:Honestly listening to the opinions of my dd and her friends would put me off. They seem to think age gaps are perverted. We often have discussions that get heated about this. I have two sets of friends that are married with 10 year age gaps but they insist this is wrong. Now know I should believe what I think is right myself but that is a common way of thinking now and it would be floating around in my head.
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Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
Seriously, what are they basing this on?Apple wrote: āSun Oct 08, 2023 6:44 pm Honestly listening to the opinions of my dd and her friends would put me off. They seem to think age gaps are perverted. We often have discussions that get heated about this. I have two sets of friends that are married with 10 year age gaps but they insist this is wrong. Now know I should believe what I think is right myself but that is a common way of thinking now and it would be floating around in my head.
Re: Seeing someone with a large age gap - younger man/older woman
I donāt know but it seems to be common now. You have to stick to your age group or youāre a creep apparently.