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At the end of the day its his mental health that comes first. We had a good bit of codding going on too thats why our rules were set. Saying that there were many days where she went in and I was only home and getting the call to go collect her so it was totally trial and error with us. you know your own child and at least he is talking to you which is great. I often find getting them in the car going somewhere is a good chat spot.... cos im not actually looking at them and they dont have to look at me!!! lol.
one day at a time is right. i hope his meeting with cahms goes well x

My son is school refusing it was on and off and now it’s just become all too often, I am at my wits end here. I’ve tried every single angle but no.

I’m sorry your going through this I know how stressful and Frustrating this is as I type, he has school refused today.

I have no advice to give but it sounds hard. You seem to be on top of everything so maybe just give yourself and him some time and think of it as a phase that you will both get through with the help you have lined up. The best of luck to you and him parenting can be hard!

My DD 13 has very bad anxiety that has spiralled in the last 6 months. She is currently on a home care package with St Pats and they are amazing. She hasn't been to school for a few months but she is working with a teacher in St Pats to slowly go back. For the last 3 weeks she has gone in for 2 classes in the morning, hung with her friends for the 15 minute break and then come home. Its working really well for her and when she is ready she will add one more class. She has also started CBT with them. This week is only her 2nd session so it's early days with that

I don't agree with taking the phone or making them do chores because to me it seems like a punishment and they cannot help how they are feeling. Also I attend a parent support group and the nurse that runs it has really helped me to see that the priority in all this is DD and her mental health. Her education has to take a back seat because this is more important. So try not to stress about missing school.

Hopefully the psychiatrist will be able to formulate a plan for him. In the meantime I'd say to just let him do what he feels he can do. Break the morning down into steps - get up, get dressed, leave the house, get to school, go in or come home. Every step he takes is a win and make sure you communicate that to him. DD often got to the school gate, had a massive panic attack and had to come home. She'd beat herself up for not going in but I'd tell her all she had achieved that morning. Some mornings getting up and getting dressed is a major struggle for her and when she manages that it should be applauded.

Her anxiety is definitely not as bad at weekends or on holidays but she's in her safe space at home then and she's doing things that don't trigger it as badly. It's common for the school environment to be very stressful and panic inducing for some kids so I wouldn't compare how he is when off school to how he is when there. School in itself is often not the issue. DD says she feels trapped at school and she stresses about having a panic attack there. She has no problems with academics, teachers or socially. She just finds the environment very stressful.

CLBG wrote: ↑Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:36 pm Ps I remember the Deputy Principal saying to me one time that helping dd's anxiety was her primary need at the time, rather than study/school etc. It took a lot of pressure off me mentally. Try to remember the same - your ds' primary need is to get mentally well again, the rest will work itself out. Try not to be too hard on yourself or him in terms of school.

Brilliant advice , sometimes when in the situation we tend to want to fix everything but this is good sound advice .

No1 babe wrote:

CLBG wrote: ↑Thu Jan 05, 2023 12:36 pm Ps I remember the Deputy Principal saying to me one time that helping dd's anxiety was her primary need at the time, rather than study/school etc. It took a lot of pressure off me mentally. Try to remember the same - your ds' primary need is to get mentally well again, the rest will work itself out. Try not to be too hard on yourself or him in terms of school.

Brilliant advice , sometimes when in the situation we tend to want to fix everything but this is good sound advice .

That's great advice.
I'm teaching over 20 years and we've more school refusers than ever before. Our aim is to get them in for one class to start with, and build on that.

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Just seeing this now, we are in a similar situation with my 15 yo. Also had initial meeting with cahms but nothing else yet, hopefully we'll see a psychiatrist soon. Our GP wouldn't perscribe anything except melatonin for sleep. The school doesn't offer any sort of safe space for breaks. It's really hard to know how to help them go in when school seems so intimidating. It's good to be reminded that their mental health is more important than showing up for school. My DD goes in most days, usually late or asks to leave early. She hates people commenting on her being late but otherwise I'm just happy she can go at all and don't push her.

A few months on and no improvement for us. Am meeting the school on Monday as I want to find out what happens if he doesn't sit the JC.

CAMHS have been ok but have offered no solutions or help really.

Just taking everything day by day and really trying to get him in for even 2 classes a day and then spend break with friends. He really needs the social element of it as he is actually so much happier when he goes in - comes out in much better form. I have said that to him.

I can't even get him up most mornings so this is the biggest issue, sleep pattern then is completely messed up. It's very difficult.

I get you Worriedmum. I find myself wondering how long this will continue with my teenager. I know adults who have found great help from phychiatrists etc so I can only hope there is help out there. Its all well and good to say this year can be a write-off to concentrate on mental health but what if it continues into next year? It's a big strain on the parents and siblings too.

Looking for any help/support/words of wisdom please. Ds had a rocky second year and ended up off last month or so with a combination of illness and unwillingness. Due back tomorrow and had complete meltdown tonight. Don’t know what to do. I can force him in but have a feeling he’ll flat out refuse in the morning. He’s very upset, he just hates the whole school environment. What if any alternative is there? Am an emotional wreck with worry and stress myself at this stage and just dont know what to do.

What's the issue Wispa, does he pinpoint anything specific or is it everything? Would he learn online if it came to it?

Wispa, do you think he has serious anxiety about school? It may not be that he's unwilling to go but that he's unable to go due to anxiety.

In my DDs case she was so anxious she couldn't really go anywhere. She has since received some treatment and is a much more confident person and by the end of last year she was able to go to school again.

Why does he say he doesn't want to go? Is he happy in life otherwise? It's not always due to anxiety but it's worth investigating.

ETA if he can explain why he doesn't want to go in I'd try to help him find a solution before forcing him to go in. Missing a few days isn't the end of the world and will show him you want to help. Maybe the school can help in some way.

Says it’s everything basically. Hates the whole school environment. Says ‘everyone’ is picking on him but not his friends.

honeybell wrote: ↑Wed Aug 23, 2023 9:10 pm Wispa, do you think he has serious anxiety about school? It may not be that he's unwilling to go but that he's unable to go due to anxiety.

In my DDs case she was so anxious she couldn't really go anywhere. She has since received some treatment and is a much more confident person and by the end of last year she was able to go to school again.

Why does he say he doesn't want to go? Is he happy in life otherwise? It's not always due to anxiety but it's worth investigating.

He was fine all summer, he’s quiet in himself personality wise but was content and got out and about a little. Games a lot with his friends and definitely not quiet then. His only cause of anxiety seems to be school……

Poor guy. It's easier in the summer for someone who's a bit introverted to manage how much time they have to spend with others. It can be overwhelming in school. Has he seen the GP? Is there a space in school he can go to if overwhelmed? I'd maybe talk to the year head or someone helpful in there.

In my DDs case it was important she knew we were trying to help and not just going to force her to go in without helping her to find a way to tolerate it.