finances

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wishmeluk
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Re: finances

#16 Post by wishmeluk »

I could afford the mortgage if I spread it out over a longer period, but the mortgage calculators don't even bring me close to the loan amount outstanding so I cant see the bank agreeing to me taking it on alone, let alone borrowing anything extra (which I can't afford anyway) to pay H off.
Selling the house would be the only option, but again, I would not be in a position to buy anything as I wouldn't qualify for any sort of mortgage. I would have some equity in the house though. Hurts my heart to have to move for some very specific reasons. I am getting upset at the thoughts of it.

So much going on. H is being awful at the moment, so aggressive and abusive. He is still off the drink but is worse for it. I am fairly certain that he is seeing someone else which I shouldn't be bothered by, but I am. She should be welcome to him; why am I bothered? His reasoning would be that I am being cold to him and our relationship is in the doldrums so it is in essence not cheating. If he sees it as being over then why is "trying to give up drink"? It's hardly to win me back?

JS and Pearl you are right, if I could sort the house out and be happy in my house with the kids, then I would not mind not having holidays and treats because I would be happy in the house and I could even invite friends/family over, which I currently can't. I would be more content.
tgirl
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Re: finances

#17 Post by tgirl »

This is probably wishful thinking, but can your teens get weekend jobs or ones like babysitting to pay for activities? This way they can keep up stuff without costing you an arm and a leg.
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Iamsoneedy
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Re: finances

#18 Post by Iamsoneedy »

wishmeluk wrote:Thanks for all the advice :inlove:
Answering some queries: 4 kids, 2 teens, no baby items. Currently feeding 7 in the house.
I could probably get the food down to 175 a week and have been doing so for some weeks, but often I will bulk buy something or around birthdays and Christmas, I spend more, so I am trying to capture that.
MrsGG: Yes, we make high pension contributions. Yes, musical instrument x 2 :o
As for H finances, the reason I said to Lucy it is hard to see where his salary goes is because he gets a base salary and then once a month or so he gets a lump sum which he uses to pay off his credit card which will have built up over the month- sort of see it like a salesman claiming back expenses and getting commission on reaching certain targets and so on, although the amount is fairly similar each month, bar the odd exception, perhaps once a year.
Yes, H will have to help out, but I am hoping to make some sort of agreement where he helps less in exchange for continuing to pay the health insurance and walking away without much (any) equity in the house for now. Bar the 3, in his defence, large, bills he currently pays, I pick up everything else anyway. He constantly gives out to me about my spending. He doesn't see that the children should have any new clothes, nor I. He sees birthday gifts above a token, holidays, beauty treatments and so on as completely unnecessary, whereas I am the total opposite. Neither of us is right, of course, but it's about finding a balance.

JS: You are right, I have to cut back the activities :cry: I feel so mean, they're good kids and per child it's not like they do a whole lot. Also, because I work full time it eases some mammy guilt.
I don't pay his phone, I pay my teens phone. I pay both car tax but he pays his own insurance.
The reasons for splitting are numerous and varied but are detailed to some extent in my thread, which I think you previously answered on, under the same "anon" user name.

Thanks all
Have you spoken to your husband about separating or are you trying to figure out the costs before you have the conversation. I think it is naive to think he's going to walk away from the house. That is unfair.
wishmeluk
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Re: finances

#19 Post by wishmeluk »

I have spoken to him about it, yes. He refuses to engage with me on it. He refuses to come to counselling. He becomes aggressive and says that I will have to move out without the kids. He calls me a shit mother. He ignores me and conveys messages through the kids. I am not blameless here but neither is he.
I don't want to leave him destitute. I have a plan which would be too revealing of my actual identity on HM, but it would set him up with somewhere to live, which I think he might be ok with even though it isn't an even split- the plus side for him is to walk away with no bills, debt- and to see the kids 3 -4 times a week or more.
I'm not even sure why he has bothered to give up drink to be honest as he appears to think it a lost cause and as I say, is likely seeing someone new. It's like he is making an effort but isn't really making an effort.
tgirl
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Re: finances

#20 Post by tgirl »

May I suggest you make two plans? One for what you will do if he co-operates and you sort things out between you, and the other if he pulls against you and you have to do everything the hard way. What happens will probably be a mixture of the two...

If he absolutely refuses to move, can you (or would you) be able to move out with the kids and sort yourself out? It doesn't seem like he will co-operate much.
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Come Wine With Me
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Re: finances

#21 Post by Come Wine With Me »

Things you can cut back on are
Pension contributions
Health insurance
Holidays
Beauty treatments
Kids phones (teens can get jobs and pay these themselves - life is tough like that)
Musical lessons
Frivolous spending on choclate etc
Birthday treats
Holidays

As others pointed out you want to live on 1 income and make 0 changes to either yours or your children's lifestyles. That's just unrealistic.

Other people with similar incomes who afford holidays may have smaller mortgages or no pensions or whatever.

As the very wise JS said it doesn't matter what others afford. The fact is you can't.
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